Bouncing Back! 🌸

I don't want to spend too much time writing today, but happy to report that I'm feeling better! Not all sad anymore. Instead, I'm obsessed with Ball Jointed Dolls, not as invested as hardcore collectors, but I have a couple- literally, just two, and they're both boys. I've always wanted a girl, and I found one! Her name is Xana, and she's a re-cast, which is taboo filth if you ask anyone who's serious about BJDs, but I could care less. She's a beautiful birthday present to myself.

In the spirit of fun, I got her some clothes, and I'm very inspired to set up my diarama for them again, there's room. I had a whole little living room set for them, I'd love for Xana to come "home" to a couch and sit down. I gotta do a post for Horizon, but I really wanna be done here are go set up the diarama instead. Even though Xana won't be here for a month haha.

I used to create photo-comics of the dolls where a series of photos taken of the dolls in various poses would be used to tell a short story, and i'd edit it little speech bubbles. Maybe I'll start that up again and post the pictures here!

I was also thinking of replacing the current 2007 pixel dolls for my poly-web with piccrew images...if I can find a good one lol.

Sad days happen 🌸

I had an amazing weekend. Spent time with D. He took me shopping. I got to splurge on an expensive romper, it was so ridiculously cute, I had to have it. I got an expensive athletic jacket I've been wanting for a while too. I could have kept shopping there for hours. Shopping makes me so happy. But, downtime with him makes me happy too, so eventually, we found our way back. Lounging in his loft with video games on the screen, savoring the company.

When the time came for me to go home, I was a bit sorry to leave. I always am. And soon it was Sunday, RenFaire. I think the sadness began Saturday night, as suddenly, I found myself not wanting to go. In the end, I did go. L and I got there early, and I was in costume as a faerie. We walked, we shopped, we explored, and by the time D arrived with K and friends, L wanted to go. And sadly, so did I...It was lovely to get to see him, but I was sorry to go again.

To make Sunday even better, T came over after we got back, and played DnD with L and I, and I wanted pretty badly to go back with him to his place after- but we knew it would have been irresponsible. So I stayed home, feeling very loved and in love- but sad, as I fell asleep.

So this morning found me melancholy. I wrote in my journal, planned my day. I don't have much reason to feel down, maybe it's partner withdraw? Maybe it's a crash after having such a full weekend, I'm not sure. I could say I'm in good spirits over all I'm happy to be home and working on this blog, making my site pretty, posting on Horizon. Work isn't demanding the world of me today either. It's very calm, and there's good music and snacks.

One thing I've learned over the years is that sometimes ya just wake up and feel bummed, even if nothing is really wrong. And that's okay, those are the best days to take care of yourself, show yourself all the love you can. So I'm taking it easy. My knee is aggrivated after so mcuh walking, so I'm resting it. Indulging in cherries as a snack, and coding to my heart's content. If I'm sad, then like my own best friend, I can make myself as comfortable as possible until it passes. ♡

Healing, kindnes and anger. 🌸

I wanted to write something a little different today. Rather than ramble about the general goings-on of my life. Today, I wanted to write more like a think-piece about human behavior. Specifically an observation about how mean people are when talking about advocating for accessibility.

First, the anger. Anger is a normal human emotion. Feeling angry alone isn't an accurate indicator if someone is a bad person, or a good person. You could be genuinely a good person, and still get mad sometimes. The line between being good and being evil isn't anger, it's what that anger is used to do. If anger harms ones self or others, that's probably not a good thing most of the time.

Next, I think when it comes to people advocating for disability, the anger is usually coming from a place of hurt. People with disabilities are often treated unfairly both on an individual level and as a collective. And the anger felt there is real and well deserved. As is true for most marginalized groups.

But, let us think. If a genuinely good person wants to open a coffee shop, and another genuinely good person is a wheelchair user. And say that wheelchair user begins to harass, bully, slander and otherwise cause intentional harm to the coffee shop owner over accessibility- how does that look?

Many people on the internet don't have a good understanding of nuance. I have a theory as to why, but that's for another article. Fow now, let's say everyone likes to imagine a scenario in which all the variables are not known, they take what is known and go to the extreme. In the above scenario, you could take either side, and assume things about the other. "The coffee shop owner is ableist!"- Does the information given state that?- No, we know the person is "genuinely goo" and wants to open a shop. We don't know if accessibility is a priority, but we also don't know if it isn't.

We also know the disabled person is "genuinely good" but is being terrible, words like "harrassment" were used. The coffee shop owner doesn't even have a coffee shop yet! So why is the disabled person being so mean?- It's not necessarily meanness. It's misdirected anger. The anger is at the lack of accessibility in our society and it's being fired off on one coffee shop owner who has not yet indicated how they intend to built their shop.

In this coffee shop scenario, I watched things go from bad to worse when a pleasant suggestion like "Ooh! Don't foget to make it accessible! I use a wheelchair and would be sad if I couldn't visit your shop!"- A friendly, and helpful reminder, quickly devolved into a dogpile of comments with the general opinion of, "This coffee shop should be made only for disabled people. Make it only with disabled people in mind and only for the use of wheelchair and cane users. If you don't, you're evil!!"

They pushed it across the line from a coffee shop for all, into a coffee shop just for them. You could apply this to any marginalized group, is it a coffee shop for everyone? Or a coffee shop just for people of a certain race, sexuality, or gender? There is a difference. There's nothing wrong with being passionate about accessibility. It's important to advocate for it. But that's just it. Advocate. Not harass, bully and slander it into being.

Which brings me to something else I saw recently. A person was talking about their website. For every accessible feature they described, each one was paired with a nasty little stab at anyone who wasn't doign things the same way. Rather than say "This website is mobile friendly!" Which is informative and fine on it's own, they had to add, "Because any website that isn't mobile friendly is ableist and evil!"- And in another example, instead of "This website doesn't auto-play music," they had to add- "auto-playing music is evil because it hinders screen readers!"- I am prarphrasing. But why couldn't the intro simply describe website features without having to fire a shot at every other website?

It comes back to that anger. So let's talk about kindness and healing. One can be angry and kind, one can be angry and advocate for change. One can be angry and still a good person who doesn't harm other people, verbally or otherwise. I practice this every day in professional meetings at work, I can be absolutely fuming and still be kind and professional, while also allowing that anger to be processed in a safe and healthy way. Learning how to deal with anger in a healthy way is a ral skill that takes time to master, and I'll admit I'm not perfect with it either. The point is, personal growth. lLearning the right way to care for yourself, be angry, advocate for change, while also not being a holy terror yourself.

Think about it, is the coffee shop owner more or less likely to want to include accessibility in their coffee shop design, if the people asking for it are all acting like angry entitled jerks, calling them names and practically throwing bricks through the window before it's even built? Or if they seem like nice people who just want some coffee like everyone else? Now, granted, this is customer service. It's likely any customer of any kind will be up for throwing names and bricks. Still, it's the catching flies with honey, not vineager scenario.

So where does healng come in? It's very personal, and it takes work. Therapy was a big part of it for me, but I'm also a meta-thinker. I like to question why I think the way I think, and puzzle out what is wrong or right about that way of thinking. I measure action against thought and feeling to try and see if I'm doing things "right."- Being right or wrong is often subjective. So I set a personal standard of goodness that I try to uphold. Kindness, goodness, compassion, empathy. I try to offer each of these most of the time. But I also know where to withold those, and be mindful of when and how I show these. I have boundaries too.

In general, everyone gets kindness, compassion, and empathy from me. But some people get that revoked. And if we apply this to the coffee shop, I can care about th coffee shop owner who has a dream, and the wheelchair user who wants to see that dream up close. I can empathize with the wheelchair user's disappointment at possibly not getting to visit the new coffee shop, and the deep hurt that would cause. But I don't think it justifies the meannness.

In the case of the website, I can understand wanting to let everyone know your website is accessible. But it came with the unessessary vitrol, which lets everyone know you have an accessible website, but also that you're extremely hateful and angry.

So, anger? A valid emotion. Kindness? A learned skill. Healing? A necessary part of personal mental health. I don't see this anger going away until there is more accessibility. If accessibility were part of every day life, everywhere. If it was normal and a given, not something we needed to advocate for, then we wouldn't be angry. And coffee shop owners wouldn't be harassed before they laid the first brick down. Website owners wouldn't be screeching fire and brimstone at sites with different set ups. In the mean time, all we can do is let our anger advocate for change without hurting others and putting them down. In general of course, some people really are intentionally ableist, and that's not okay, but usually, we're all just good people trying to chase a dream.

I'll leave you with this. If you heal the hurt inside, you find that anger is hiding another emotion, hurt, sadness, a need for love or understanding. The goal is community, a better world for all of us. And I'd like to think a better world is made with kindness, inner healing, and healthy anger expressed in ways that build up something new, not break down good people. Let the anger make you advocate for change, not hurt people who don't deserve it.

Thanks for reading.

A long day comes to an end. 🌙

Work continues with it's shenanigans. Asking me to be the pitcher, the catcher, The person up to bat, and the referee all at once. But I'm awesome, so the best I can do is meticulouslly cross reference spreadsheet against spreadsheet, evidence against evidence and grab this project by the horns. I haven't said yet on this blog, but maybe I'll make the about me section have a little card with what I do. I'm a project manager, and getting things done step by step is my whole thing. It's an enourmous workload though.

I was good today though, I followed all my pomodoro breaks! My shoulders still hurt though. I really still did too much, and I didn't even finish. There's more to do tomorrow. Though I dunno how much I will get done.- After all, I have a partner to see!!

Plans were updated, I get to stay the night!! I'm so excited! And after the hard work I put in today, a happy start to the wekend was very well earned. Just gotta make it through two meetings in the morning, and then I'm off!! I might bring my laptop to his place to finish work- but don't worry. I'll either finish all my work and close the laptop early, or I'll close the laptop at 5. You won't catch me working over! I might work all day with no breaks, but I stop at 5 no matter what!

Dunno how much more site-work I'll get done, this weekend. I've got a boyfriend to kiss and an Renfaire to go to on Sunday. Fare thee well until then!!

OUCH!!! 🌸

(｡•́︿•̀｡)Well..turns out locking in for 8 hours for work with no breaks was a bad idea. I woke up this morning with intense pain! It was hard to sit, stand, move, turn, walk...I did myself in. So I took a hot bath, that helped a lot.

But work waits for no man, so there's more to do today...this time I'm going to listen to the pomodoro timer, and when it's time for a break-I'll take a freaking break! It's really not that hard to find my place again after stopping. So I'll do it. Today I took extra steps to take care of myself.

Every day, I do my makeup. It's an important part of helping me feel ready to face the day. So after my bath, I did that. I also didn't have any water yesterday, so as of the time of this blog post- I'm on glass number 4, be proud of me! Heh.I had breakfast too, a banana, yogurt, granola.

My Nesting Partner made yummy meals all last week, but it was time to but groceries again for this week. Given my workload and my pain flare today, I went ahead and ordered groceries through my phone. Thank goodness for some modern tech. I also took care of this chore I needed to do yesterday. I renewed my lease but got an automated email telling me I needed to buy a renter's insurance policy...when I already have one and I alrady gave it to the office. ( ╥ω╥ ) So I left a message, I want the office to confirm I don't have to do anything with that.

I haven't had lunch yet, I paused to write this blog entry first. I could be working right now...but if I'm gonna be stuck at the computer all day, I may as well take a moment for a little fun!

Speaking of fun, my hair is naturally pretty curly, and lately it's been so damaged that the curls just frizz out so horribly. But I got a haircut over the weekend, then did a hair mask on Monday. I just washed it normally today for the first time and it curled up beautifully! My hair is falling in ringlets without me having to even style it!- Happy hair means happy Rin!

On the trend of Good Things (tm), I also have Friday to look forward too. I get to see my other partner, We'll just call him D. -He's so beautiful, long hair to his tailbone, and those gorgeous half-korean genes of his make him the prettiest guy you've ever seen! I can't wait to see him. My favorite things to do with him are cuddle and watch YouTube, though I also like cuddling and watching him game.

I don't get to see him as often as two other partners I have. He's got his own nesting partner he lives with, and a very demanding job. His nesting partner likes to hang out with me too, but there's not much time for intimacy with a third person around. Without explaining the entire dynamic, let's just say group sex is usually not a wanted option for me. So just...no.

Anyway,maybe I'll explain the polycule on the About me page and update the dictionary with what Nesting Partner is. Then fold laundry, then set up the pomodoro and get back to work. I have a list cut out for me- oh, and I gotta eat lunch too. I got this! ദ്ദി◝ ⩊ ◜.ᐟ

Tuesday- My Monday 🌸

(─‿─) I start each day with candle light and writing in my Journal. Today was no different. But gods above and below, bright and early at 8am I attended a meeting at work that was a bit frustrating. It seems that nobody had a brain that operates outside of the meeting. So the meetings seem to be filled with a maddening game of catch up. Most of the meeting is spent figuring out whats going on. (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞

I guess that's a good reason to have the meeting. So everyone can figure out what the heck, but it would be nice if the meetings were spent making progress toward the goal, actively, instead of buzzing around in place going "wait, huh?" ೭੧(❛〜❛✿)੭೨

(´◕ ᵔ ◕`✿) I'm still thinking of all the cool stuff I can do with this blog I think a custom library showing what I'm reading/have read. Maybe a Roleplay log of what forums I'm playing on, and my characters- who they are, what they're doing.

I added a chat box, but I might move it to it's own page. So it's not as accessible. I also might make a splash/Intro page that doesn't just take us right into the site the way it is now. What I'm worried about is this being like typical social media where people can be cruel and hateful, "cancel" people. I don't want that. But if I don't allow any interaction, then I'm talking into a void, I'd like community but that's just it...Community. Obviously, I don't want people who aren't friendly being here at all. It's scary getting involved in here. (つ﹏⊂)

Perhaps it'll be less scary once I learn the culture of neocities pages. If I have control over building my own community, then there's a lot less to fear, rather than dropping into the pool with everyone as-is. So I've got to protect myself as I establish this space. But the real world calls too. We'll see how it unfolds.

I was thinking of looking around to link some affiliates. Maybe the RP sites I'm on. -I also used to run a small business doing reiki and tarot. I could add parts of this site to describe that, though I'm not sure about offering services anymore. It would be fun to at least talk about it. And Move the "About me" to it's own page too.

Sadly, it looks like work is shaping up to have a list for me today. So I might not get to do anything more on this site than this blog entry today. Feeling overwhelmed. Anxiety high, there's a lot to do. At least I'm earning this paycheck. I need to call my apartment's main office too- take care of clerical stuff. Sigh. I'm stressed out. But there's the thing..I dont have to be. So...deep breaths, get some breakfast, a cup of coffee. Everything's gonna be okay...Reeee!

(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )

Welcome to My Blog! 🌸

This is my very first blog entry! I am currently learning how to build my own website and slowly making this little corner of the internet feel like home.

I plan to write about roleplay, books, creativity, daily life, nostalgia, and whatever else happens to be living in my head.