Let's Catch Up 🌸

What do I cover since last entry? I suppose it makes sense to follow up emotionally and recap since then. Well, there was NDK! The stress seemed to vanish when I arrived at con, and I had an amazing time with D. I cosplayed as Marin from My Dress-Up Darling on Friday, then Black Lobelia (same anime) on Saturday, then Celty from Durarara on Sunday. I went to the rave and got to watch D spin poi like a badass while wearing a kitsune mask. As if I couldn't be any more feral for him.

On Saturday, I fell down in the dealer's room, the shoes for Black Lobelia were not safe for any human to walk in, and I ended the day with blisters. But hey- I looked awesome and an S-Tier Marin cosplayer asked for my instagram while I was dressed as her. -Another amazing moment was the night of the rave, I was able to get a picture with a Sylus and Rafayel cosplayer (from Love and Deepspace). The Sylus (my fav character) asked if he could touch me for the picture. I almost died fangirling so hard. I was shaking! I got my picture and ran away, kicking my feet and squealing when I got back to my chair. I could not stop cheezing! Defintiely one of the best moments all con!- Though I am leaving out even better moments spent alone with D.

There were unlucky shinanegans with L too. Originally, they were going to come up Saturday night, but they ended up dropping off kiddo to me and D Friday night and surprising me with T! Saturday after they got back, they found they had a flat tire, and was so sad and defeated by the stress that they almost gave up on coming at all. Luckily, everything worked out, tires got replaced and L made it on Saturday after all, T was a real MVP for helping out during all the car troubles. But L made it! They had a great time. And then Sunday, T joined us too! Overall it was a great con for everybody!

I spent questionable amounts of money in the dealer's room and the artist alley. I bought a sword! Yamato from Devil May Cry 5! This sword is special because not only does it belong to husbando Vergil, it's also the form my OC, Yamiko, takes throughout my magnum opus fanfic. It's a very special sword to me, and it's beautiful. My old Yamato, DMC3 ver. is falling apart anyway. It's lovely to have the updated one. Oh, and I bought some amazing sfw wall scrolls from the 18+ side of the dealer's room. The artist was pretty cute. It was exciting to talk to somone so cute and friendly.

My period hit the day after we got back. And we hit up a book store where I made the amazing finds of both Saiyuki part 2, the second half of the first season, as well as the entire Super Sonico series! Definitely watching that when I can. But first, back to reading. I wanted to finish The Spellshop within the first week of September and that didn't happen. I gotta catch up! But I spent all of Monday and Tuesday in recovery mode. Tuesday was hard because contractors came to replace the sliding glass door- I had no choice in the matter, and was all but having a total melt- down over the people in my house and my stuff all moved. I hated every minute of it. But ulitmately, everything was fine. I read My Dress-Up Darling Vol. 9 and A Centaur's Life Vol. 1 while they worked.

A Centaur's Life is a weird manga, but I like the world building of how a world with nonhuman bodies would function, history,politics, civil rights, even practical things like how a shirt works if you have wings, or what kind furniture is there to accomodate a centaur's body? That stuff is cool to me.

Yesterday was a lazy day, I can't even blame it on recovery, I was just not with it. But today, we snap out of it. Back on track. Yoga, drinking water, reading, blogging, working. All that. And then I get to see D again this weekend, as well as get my hair done at my favorite Salon! The week is flying by, and I'm okay with that. I have a lot of happy September days to look forward to. Now if only the weather would cool off...

Fall Begins 🌸

Okay, so technically it's not fall yet. The equinox isn't until the end of the month, and Summer's heat still clings on here in the mile high city. But it's autumn in my heart. I spent all of yesterday putting up all my Autumn decor, I bought a new hanging lamp for a reading nook, and I totally redid my TBR list for fall. I'll be updating the bookshelf page to reflect my autumn reads. -So far, I've started The Spellshop, and I'm loving it! It's like magical Stardew Valley.

I did get a book called Fairydale, but I had to take it back. I didn't rad the content warnings in the front cover before I brough it home, and it turns out the content of the book is stuff I can't tolerate like graphic depictions of gore, toruture, blood play, period play and vicious on page descriptions of violent rape. Nope. Nope. Nope. I ran as far and fast away from 800 pages of shock-horror and smut before I even started and instead found a list of more pleasant "safe", low-spice, low stakes reads for a cozy autumn.

I am getting ready for an anime convention! I'll be cosplaying Marin from My Dress-up Darling and Black Lobelia, a character that Marin cosplays in the manga/anime. While I dig out all the stuff for those two costumes, I also need to dig out stuff for Aoba from Dramatical Murder (as L will be cosplaying him.) On top of that, I need stuff for the rave- I have a cetain outfit/look planned for that. And then there's the logistics of everything. Oof, trips, even to do fun things are so stressful!

Cosplay, anime, merch, panels, photos- to see and be seen, to spend time with D who got us the room, it's going to be amazing! But I have to admit, since it's me, the excitement is married up against a hefty bit of tension and anxiety. It's going to be an amazing weekend, a con to remember. I've just got to push through the weird anxious hang-ups that never make sense, and just be in the moment. T will even get to come for a day. I'm excited, so many memories and good times are ahead!- Even if some part of me wants to stay home with a book.

If I need something to dread, why not have it be the installation of the new sliding glass door next week? I love the upgrades to the property this new company has been doing since they took over management last year, but I have the invasive nature of them. Strange men in my house, on my blacony, invading my santuary during all daylight hours. I want to be alone, I do not want to be percieved....But if I roleplay that I'm some rich person who hired the contractors to replace the hard-to-open glass door. It takes me out of the perspective of the victim who is having this situation forced on them, to the perspective of someone in control. "This was my idea, I hired these people to repair that terrible door. It's about time someone got around to fixing it!" So if I reframe it as "I'm having the door replaced" instead of "I'm being invaded again."-It changes the dread of it.

As a last note, I'm already finding myself reflecting on the year. We have entered the alst rush of -embers and -obers where the year winds down. It's been a wonderful year, so much love. Summer days spent reading books, sweet smelling spring air, a mild winter that was- dare I say, comfortable. So much time eating sweet things, loving myself and my space, and being loved by my partners in turn. Despite my annoyance with the apartment and fees and one break down over the vet, it's been a really good year. And I look forward to the rest of it.

Summerween 🌸

Yesterday's task of no doomscrolling was sucessful! I finished TWO books, listened to a CD- A CD!! (Turns out my old blu-ray player can play CDs)- so I listened to my old Brittany Spears CD and listened while coloring a page in an adult coloring book my partner got me years ago. Each page is a mandele made of nature themes. The first one I finished was a page of feathers. Maybe I'll color more today.

To list everything from yesterday, I posted on Horizon, updated this blog, meditated, did self-guided Yoga for 40 minutes, listened to music while coloring, and moved all the wolf figurines to the headboard, and filled the placw where I have the mini SNES up with my old toys from the 90s and 2000s, read the end of two different books I had been reading- and updated the bookshelf page here- then finished the night watching Camp Rock with L.

Today, I'll admit I scrolled to kill time waiting for the bus. But I won't touch it again. I think scrolling for less than 10 minutes doesn't count as "Doom Scrolling"- I think I'll define that as spending hours doing that and nothing else, not a few spare minutes. So I'm not resetting the "Days without doomscrolling" counter on the home page.

When it comes to the book shelf page, I was thinking of adding a "Legacy Reads" list that keeps track of everything I've read. Because at the start of the year, I might empty the "DNF" and "Finished" shelves to make room for new books. But I don't want them totally lost from my site alltogether. So I'll have to consider how I want to build that in, and a full-expanded TBR might be necessary too. Even as I moved The Never List and Stars Above to the "Finished" shelf, and moved the "Currently Reading" books up. There are more books finished, waiting, and in progress than what the page actually shows. -But I do appreciate how the site is now. It helps me keep track and motivates me to get through them.

Already not listed is the sequel to The Never List, but ah well. For the rest of today, I was thinking I'll get into the Summerween Spirit with maybe an episode or two of goosebumps, maybe Ripley's Believe it or Not and maybe even starting up the SNES and playing a game I've never played like Castlevania IV or Earthbound? I'm intersted in Secret of Mana and Final Fantasy III as well. (Yes I know, technically the American FF-III is actually FF-IV.)

First thing's first, breakfast and another cup of coffee. I also need to decide if I want to enjouy breakfast with Goosebumps on the TV, or if I want to read! It's so satisfying to make progress on my books after such a long hiatus. I gotta keep going! Maybe that's my answer, but it's easier to watch something and eat, because then my hands aren't busy holding a book. Either way, we'll do both!!

Motivations 🌸

Gah, what to write about first? Let's do recent events, followed by ebay, followed by not scrolling and then my plans for the day. Hopefully I can use this to not get too off track while writing today.

Recent events. I spent all day yesterday crying and scrolling, scrolling and crying. I had stuff to do, but couldn't do any of it because I just kept crying and was lacking all motivation. I had chores to do and I did do them, but only after procrastinating all day, and deciding not to do more frivolous things.

Continuing recent events, I got to see D Monday and Tuesday and got to see and play DnD with T last night. It's really lovely. after spending all day in the dumps, it was great to go to Barovia. I even spent some time yesterday evening watching H2O:Just add Water. That show had all us mermaid loving teens ina chokehold in the 2000s. It's all free to watch on youtube too!

Coming up in th near future too, I've got an anime convention to attend, followed by a concert 2 weeks after that. Life is about to get pretty lively for a time. And that's good, it's good to feel alive and get out and do things, even if anxiety begs that the safe repetition of staying home is more comfortable.

EBAY- Okay, so during this whole shift to "analog" which is supposed to mean a disconnect from tech alltogether, thus the word "analog"- it seems to encompass a return to older media. Blogs like this, forums, and physical media too, such as CDs, mp3 players, Blu-Rays, records, physical games. Yeah~ Good old stuff. So? I jumped in and ordered a y2k boombox from ebay and some old cds from back then. Like Pure Moods, Backstreet Boys, and Alanis Morissette. I can't wait. And as a bonus, I ordered Mystic the unicorn beanie baby! I wanted her so bad as a kid, now she's mine. I can't wait.

NO SCROLLING ALLOWED- Okay, so after another bad relapse into tiktok scrolling, I'm being super intentional today and made a pencil-and-paper to-do list. This list is all activities that don't involve my phone. Meditation, testing to see if I can play a CD in my old blue-ray player, coloring in a adult coloring book L bought me ages ago, reading- maybe I can finally finish Stars Above, and do a little yoga. I love yoga so much, I always feel so good after a session. I don't want to be as flakey with it as I am...

I suppose the above paragraph is also my plans for today. But there's something else I wanna write about today. So I'm part of Horizon, the wolf role-playing-game. My character, Azriel, is a wolf suffering from trauma, psychosis, nightmares and amnesia. He's been in the game for 3 in-game months, during a long and harsh winter. Winter being a triggering time for him due to part of the trauma he cannot currently remember.

Slowly, I've been revealing his backstory, bit by bit. Azriel has only barely begun to catch on to what might truly be wrong with him. But I got to write his first nightmare post today. It's going to be such a sad thread. It's possible that his beloved mentor, Wilderfrost, will die in this thread. But not before Azriel already has this awful nightmare. The nightmare being more memory than fantasy. Awful. Sad. But I love that Wilderfrost, already with failing health, might still give one last bit of healing or wisdom to Azriel during a very vulnerable moment before Wilder has to leave him. Whether that comes because he leaves or dies remains to be seen. But this will be very sad.

I don't really like sad characters, I don't want characters that are so tied up in their mind and broken like this. But Azriel was my first RP charcater, and his sotry was never resolved in any other rp prior to this. So in this imagining, I'm trying to stay true to his original concept enough, while still updating him to fit in with my current modality. He is hurt and traumatized and messed up, but I have every hope this rp will be how he finally gets his happy ending. Even if his story so far is more than bittersweet. I'll update his story through my blog here as significant things happen.- Considered making a separate thing just for Azriel stuff but nah, I'll just add it here when necessary. But still, the story is juicy.

Why Nuance is Lost Online 🌸

There has been a lot of talk lately about the death of nuance on the internet. I think it's safe to say that online spaces are full of bad takes, all-or-nothing thinking, polarizing views, and arguments where everything has to be either good or bad, right or wrong, this or that.

Sometimes even incredibly ordinary choices become moral indicators. Where you shop, what you eat, what media you enjoy, or what products you buy can suddenly be treated as proof that you are either a good person or a bad person. Yet in everyday offline life, things usually seem more complicated than that. People disagree with their friends. They make compromises. They participate in systems they don't completely approve of. They can care deeply about something while still behaving inconsistently with those values. So why does nuance seem so much harder to find online?

First, let's define nuance. Merriam-Webster defines nuance as a subtle "distinction or variation," as well as an awareness of delicate differences in meaning, feeling, or value. Another way I think about nuance is through the idea that two seemingly contradictory things can sometimes be true at the same time.

For example, someone might deeply love animals. They might adore their cat, cry when they hear about poaching, donate to a wildlife rescue, and still eat meat in their everyday life. Does that contradiction exist? Absolutely. But human beings are full of contradictions. Having inconsistent values does not necessarily mean that the care itself is fake.

Online, however, contradictions like this are often treated as unacceptable. The argument becomes: either you love animals or you don't. If you love animals, you can't eat meat. If you eat meat, then you must not really care about animals. You can see the same pattern everywhere. "If you eat at Chick-fil-A, you're homophobic." "If you like Harry Potter, you're transphobic." If you shop at a particular company involved in a controversy, you must support whatever harmful thing that company has done.

And if you don't already know why your choice supposedly makes you a bad person, then you're sometimes accused of being "willfully ignorant" instead. There is no innocent explanation. There is no circumstance. There is no difference between participating in something and endorsing every belief, practice, or person connected to it.

Of course, our choices can have consequences. Spending money somewhere does financially support that business, whether we agree with every action that business takes or not. But that still isn't the same thing as saying a purchase reveals someone's entire moral character. Participating in an imperfect system is not automatic proof that someone personally endorses everything connected to that system.

So why does the internet have such a tendency to flatten complicated situations into simple moral rules? I think one reason is that online spaces reward certainty. "If you shop here, you're a bad person" is short, emotionally powerful, and easy to repeat. By contrast, saying "There are ethical concerns surrounding this company, but individual people have different financial, geographic, medical, and social circumstances that affect where they can shop" is much less exciting. The second statement may be closer to reality, but the first fits much better into a viral post.

Social media also encourages people to sort themselves into communities. Humans naturally pick up the habits of the people around us. We copy slang, jokes, mannerisms, opinions, and social rules. We learn what earns approval from our group and what gets punished. That happens offline too, but online we have far more control over who surrounds us. We can block people, unfollow them, leave communities, ban users, mute keywords, and gradually build a social environment where most of the people we interact with think similarly to us.

Then something interesting happens. "Most people I know believe this" can slowly become "everyone knows this." Eventually, "everyone knows this" becomes "only a bad person would disagree."

The people who spend the most time posting online also have an outsized influence on what internet culture looks like. Someone who checks social media for twenty minutes during lunch technically counts as an internet user just as much as someone who spends ten hours a day participating in online communities, but those two people have very different levels of influence over the culture.

This is where mental health can become part of the conversation, although I don't think it explains the whole phenomenon. Certain psychological symptoms can make someone more vulnerable to rigid, all-or-nothing thinking. Stress, trauma, anxiety, emotional dysregulation, and other mental health struggles can all affect the way a person interprets conflict. That doesn't mean someone experiencing those things is incapable of nuance. It simply means some people may already be more vulnerable to this particular pattern of thinking.

The more important question, to me, is what happens when a person who is already vulnerable to black-and-white thinking enters a community that rewards it. If a simplified moral belief earns praise, belonging, likes, reposts, and a sense of certainty, while questioning that belief brings hostility or ostracism, that way of thinking can become stronger.

And once it becomes part of the culture of a community, people who were not originally prone to thinking that way can begin absorbing it too. Mental health, then, may be one ingredient in some cases, but it isn't the cause of the internet's lack of nuance. The environment itself can reinforce that way of thinking in almost anyone.

Age also matters. People can begin using many social media platforms at thirteen, meaning online communities contain people who are still developing their identities, values, judgment, and understanding of the world. Teenagers are perfectly capable of understanding nuance, but they are also often encountering complicated political, ethical, and social issues for the first time. A simple moral rule can feel much easier to understand than a problem involving economics, disability, geography, history, and competing needs.

Take the statement: "If you didn't research a company for unethical behavior before shopping there, you're part of the problem." That sounds simple until reality enters the conversation. What if someone lives in a food desert? What if Walmart is the only grocery store they can reach? What if they don't own a car? What if they are disabled? What if they work two jobs? What if they cannot afford the more ethical alternative? What if someone tells them they should simply grow their own food, without realizing that land, time, physical ability, and gardening supplies are themselves privileges?

The moral question hasn't disappeared. The company may still deserve criticism. But once you introduce actual human circumstances, the issue becomes much more complicated than "good people shop here and bad people shop there."

Unfortunately, complication doesn't always perform well online. Strong feelings do. Outrage does. Certainty does. Moral grandstanding does. Social media can create a self-feeding loop where extreme statements receive attention, attention makes those statements appear popular, popularity makes them feel socially correct, and social pressure encourages other people to repeat them.

None of this means every issue is endlessly complicated or that there is no such thing as a clearly harmful action. Sometimes people genuinely do support harmful beliefs. Sometimes someone's behavior really does deserve criticism. Nuance shouldn't become an excuse for refusing to make moral judgments at all.

But nuance asks us to distinguish between criticizing an action, criticizing a system, and deciding that one action tells us everything we need to know about a human being. It also asks us to admit that people are inconsistent. Someone can care about the environment and sometimes use disposable plastic. Someone can oppose exploitative labor and still own a smartphone. Someone can care about workers while shopping at a corporation with terrible labor practices because that is the store they can afford.

Those contradictions are uncomfortable, but they are also part of being human. Very few of us live in perfect alignment with every belief we hold. And because we're talking about nuance, there are obviously exceptions to everything I've said here. Offline people can be every bit as rigid and judgmental as people online. Online communities can also be extraordinarily empathetic, thoughtful, and willing to have complicated conversations.

I don't think there is a clean divide between "reasonable people offline" and "unreasonable people online." I think the difference is that many online environments reward a particular style of communication: certainty over curiosity, simplicity over complexity, group loyalty over disagreement, and outrage over patience.

Spend enough time inside an environment like that, and those habits can start to feel normal. Maybe nuance isn't actually dead on the internet. Maybe it's simply harder to hear because certainty is louder.

Happy Monday 🌸

I had a great weekend. I got to see T briefly, celtebrated a 9 year anniversary with L, went thrifting, found so many good treasures, and then got to see Spamalot- a musical that tells the story of Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail. I went to the musical with a friend I've known since High School. When did I get so tall? I towered over their family like a really fashinable godzilla- and I'm not even tall!

Now, I'm long overdue to see D, it's been hard to find room in a busy schedule, but we found it, and I'm really looking forward to seeing him!!

In other news, some online friends are talking about this game, Fields of Mistra. Seems cool- dunno if I have the patience to play it. Besides, I'm playing Baldur's Gate 3 and I'd rather try to finish that.

So, when my alarm goes off every day, my phone wallpaper shows a list of affirmations, and when I look at it to turn off the alarm, the first one my eyes land on is my affirmation for the day. Todays is "I am wealthy." Maybe not in money, but I am rich in other ways. I have the money to pay all my bills and live comfortably. I have partners who love me, plenty of food and my house is full of trinkets and books. I am wealthy if we define wealth as an abundance of things that make life feel enriching and full. And that's something I can hold onto today.

Intentional Thursday 🌸

Yesterday was wild, first, a stomping teen who was stressed about starting school. Then the new necklace they got the day before, broke before they could even put it on. That sucked. And when we got to the bus, they remembered they had forgotten their bus pass, so I had to print back to the house and back to the bus stop to grab it for them. That activated my asthma. And then to top it off, when they finally got too, I got a text that yesterday was the first day for a certain grade. Not their first day, so I had to go get them from school- and of course, I was dressed in hoochie momma shorts and a tight tank top. I was not dressed for a middle school. But I still went and got them. A Lorelai Gilmore moment for sure...

The rest of the day was spent scrolling. Apparently the morning was too much, I wasn't able to find motivation to update my blog or do anything but that. But the night ended with a lovely double feature movie night where kiddo and I watched the Sailor Moon R and Sailor Moon Super S movies. I cried both times lol. But that was really fun.

The night was hard though. I found myself refreshing discord over and over again. Wanting someone to talk to. And sure it's one thing to say hi in the general chat board, but I wanted someone to talk to me- to care about me. I was lonely. L was away with T last night, and I don't have any problem with that. I'm just lonely anyway, and that's also okay. Spending time with me isn's that bad. So I ended up imagining that I went to a night time carnival in tokyo, took a taxi home to a lovely house with a garden and went to bed. When I laid down in my imagination, I was ready to sleep irl.

My cat Muge decided to wake me up at 4am and again at 5am trying to cause havoc. Then I had some nightmare about a killer playing some awful torture game with two captive women, but I woke up before anything graphic or awful happened.

I did wanna write about one other thing. While I was scrolling yesterday, I saw a prompt that said "You wake up in the summer of 2001, what do you do?"- Gods. If I woke up in the summer of 2001, I would be 10, about to turn 11. Assuming I rememebr my life until then as a dream, and kept all my knowledge. Gods... I wouldn't let Niko, my husky, kill Peaches, my best friend's bird. We would have been in florida at the time. I'd do so much differently. That would have been before I met the abuser too. It would change my entire life. What a thought experiment...

Now the rest of my day opens up. I need to clean the litter boxes, I'd like to do yoga. I'm super hungry so it's time to eat too. I suppose that's the end of it for today!

Magic of Childhood 🌸

I'm starting to realize I'm spending a lot of my 30s healing my inner child. I'm looking at old media, toys, games and ideas from when I was little. It's got me wanting to explore old fantasy worlds like Fantasia, Pony Land, Pixie Hollow, Eternia, Slumberland. Part of that means watching old cartoons on Youtube, but something else is pulling me.

It reminds me of this memory from childhood where I was feeling very inspired and wandering around the house looking for soemthing to scratch the itch. I settled on putting together an old My Little Pony puzzle- though it wasn't old at the time. I remember my mom asked what I was doing, while I was wandering. I said I was looking for something pretty and magical, before sitting down with the puzzle. I have that same itch now, and a puzzle isn't what I'm looking for. Nor was it what I was wanting back then either.

I think I wanted someting immersive. A type of game that doesn't exist even today. A slice of life fantasy game with no stakes or low stakes adventures, fashion, friendships, fun- but still engaging, and not necessarily meant for 6 year old children. I did find a creator on youtube who got a kickstarter going to try and make exactly this- a mermaid rpg to fill this niche. But it'll be years before that becomes playable. For now, I'm left with youtube playthroughs of childhood "girls" games- which suck honestly. The next best thing is a book or a wild hallucintation!

Hear me out, I don't mean drugs. When I was a teen, I used to spend hours in my rom "meditating"- and I don't mean sitting there breathing deeply or "clearing my mind." I would sit there and visualize. I'd imagine my own fantasy kingdom full of a whole cast of characters and magical locations. With how strong my imagination is, I can activate all 5 senses to experience this place, all in my head. As I've gotten older, it's harder to focus my attention on this fantasy for long stretches of time, but that's the closest I can get to full immersion in a sparkly, safe, magical place.

Back in reality, I've had an itch to go thrifting for old toys. But with mom sending me 5 whole boxes of stuff, 3 of them being toys, and who knows about the other 2, I just need to be patient. I have an SNES in the bedroom and the shelf it's on is currently decorated with wolf statues. But it occured to me, I could make the SNES look more intentional by decorating the shelf with vintage toys. And, to tie back into the above, buying old toys for myself I always wanted but never got to own is healing for that inner child of mine, who is getting a lot of attention lately!

Back to Reality 🌸

I had an amazing time this last weekend. My birthday was on Friday and I turned 37. 37! It's only now hitting me that my 20s are long over, and I'm only just now really startingto feel like an adult. Seems like my body caught up too and I've got the hips to prove it! But I don't look old either. Just grown. And that's nice.

The birthday itself was wonderful, a trip to a vintage store to participate in their Build-A-Blythe doll set up. It was so much fun, I got to pick out the doll base, her dress, her socks and shoes, hair clips, a custom set of eyes chips- I chose green to match my own eyes, and the owner gifted me a set of custome eyes chips he had made. They are black with blue glitter. I got a few other freebies but the doll is beautiful and I'm so happy to have a little mini-me.

We stopped at a coffee shop where I had the best armaretto black cherry latte, and we headed home...where I proceeded to fight for my life the whole way home. I'm very prone to vertigo and motion sickness and was FIGHTING to not get sick. Unfortunately, my teen who came with us down to get the doll was not so lucky and got sick in the car just 6 minutes from the house.

Unpleasant as that was, we all took tie to decrompress for a bit (and clean up) before L took me back out to get my free birthday gift from Sephora and pick up a bag of coffee from my favorite local roaster. We went to 5 Below for a few more goodies and came home where T was waiting for us with the perfect little cake from my favorite bakery!

The night ended with pizza and a session of DnD- the party has finally entered the final act, just one more major quest line and it's time to fight Strahd himself! I'm really enjoying the direction of the campaign so far and how all the characters are developing.- Oh, and lets not forget the lovely borthday wishes I got from D and M too. Ahh I felt so loved!

The next day was also good, T stayed the night and L left for work, leaving us with some quality birthday time to enjoy. He stayed until the afternoon monsoon hit before running off. I was left whistful and enjoyed the storm. Took a nap. It was lovely.

Yesterday was just a l laying around and scrolling, bringing me to today, where I worked, posted on the rp, cleaned some, refreshed the Aphrodite altar in my bedroom, made the bed, dusted, turned on the air purifier. Oh! L installed the water filter on the sink so we have nice drinking water!- Anyway, I just want to vacuum the floor and I'll be happy there. Over all, I'm in the mood to watch a ghibli movie and cuddle up. I feel very loved and thankful for every good thing in my life. I am so lucky, so loved, and so happy. -Though I miss both D and T I can't wait to see them again.

Sleepy Monday 🌸

Tired today, ready for another mug of coffee. The house is quiet, kiddo is asleep on the couch. After blogging, I might journal and sip. Today has already been mildly eventful.

I woke up mistakenly thinking T has said something about picking me up today. But I had plans to go buy school supplies today. An expensive, but necessary errand. So I got ready, then kiddo and I took off to the store, list in hand. Picked up a few groceries today too.

Got back and work had some stuff for me, so I finished that up pretty quickly. Now to relax. I'm all caught up on Horizon posts, closed one. Two more are in progress. Blog will be up to date after this. I'm way behind on journalling, I've taken several days off- back to scrolling. Eep...

I got my birthday off- I might take Thursday off too, especially if I spend Wednesday with T but that might not work with his schedule, we'll see. I'd love to see D too. How to fit everyone into one birthday? I think I also want cake...a cute little one. I'd like one from the cute bakery next to Hmart, but I don't think I'll say anything...I dunno, we're already going to drive an hour away for the doll. I won't have the energy to go all the way over near Hmart in one day. -Ah well.. Grocery stores always have cute little single serve cakes. All I need is a chocolate one, better if it has cherries or red berries on it!

In other news, I'm just 9 points away from securing my Sec+ for another 3 years! I jsut gotta get my boss to give me that work experience letter. It'll give me all 9 remaining points and then I'm all set!

Been really into watching haunted doll content on tiktok lately, spirit communication, paranormal. I love that stuff, and I'm sure if I were dedicated enough, I could have a whole channel all about that too, but I'm niche-less. I do whatever, whenever so my vids never get much traction- meh. That's fine. I have colored pencils to fill the time now! But uh....maybe a nap first..

Rebuilding the Bookshelf 🌸

Finally! With moon time starting I can finally get on with it, "it" being life and fun activities. Work ended early today so I'm free to zhuzh up the site. I think today, motivated by a new group of friends on a bookish discord, I'll update my bookshelf page. I need to shift titles around and add more shelves anyway. Someone brough up a guest book, so I might add one!

I'll be posting on the rp too, I fell behind taking yesterday off due to a case of the sads, but we're back baby! I'll likely code, post, then run away and play Baldur's Gate.

This is my first time in a while that I feel like I've had a weekend with zero boyfriend plans. D Had friends visiting from out of state, no Idea what T is up to and L and I will be going school supply shopping for the kiddo tomorrow. Other than that, it's a bright open weekend. I love filling those with self care and hobbies! I'm gonna get to it now!

Tears in my coffee 🌸

I woke up at 5am, an hour and a half too early with tears in my eyes. Had some kind of dream about dancing to Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle. It's me and my dad's song and we danced to it at my wedding, the memory just replayed in the dream, and just like in reality, it made me cry- like it always does. Pulled me out of my dreams and into reality with wet eyes and an inability to fall back asleep.

So I just got up, had my coffee, scrolled Tiktok and that actually got me giggling, then crying, then giggling again. I swear that app is not good for us. I texted D too, I knew he'd be up, and that helped a lot. Made me smile. Fairly sure that T is off today, and I'd like to see him, but alas. I know my restlessess is a passing mood. I can feel it. It's like...not grounded in reality. It's a feeling not a thought? I'm not sure how to explain it.

My adventures with Azriel the wolf over on Horizon are going well, but in one thread, Azriel had a psychotic episode upon seeing a girl he doesn't know looks like his murdered sister. And in another thread, he'd just been stuck inside a cave during a blizzard with a bunch of wolves he doesn't know. He's got some unremembered trauma with being chased out of his family pack because of what he did to Nicomae. -Ah, let me start over.

Azriel has psychosis. And when he was a pup, he was attacked by a rogue wolf. His father dispatched the wolf, but not before the damage had already been done, either created by, else meerely triggered by this assailant. Later, on a snowy, foggy day, he had believed he was being attacked again and, terrified, fought for his life. Only when he came to his senses, there was no assailant, and his dear sister, Nicomae, lay bloody and lifeless in the snow.

Azriel's father chased him out of the pack after that. There was no leniency, no excuses. It hadn't been his fault, but he carried that guilt, remorse and deep unyeilding sorrow with every step. He ran until his body gave out. And when he awoke, he'd forgotten it all. He could no longer rmember his family, his parents, his exile or his crime. But he's been plagued with visions, night terrors, and madness ever since.

Nicomae was a white wolf with blue eyes. On the beach, he met an injured she-wolf about as old as his sister had been when he killed her. The girl has white fur and blue eyes an a bloody gash on her paw. The sight of the injury triggered a psychotic episode, gory flashbacks he doesn't understand and a deep heartbreak he can't make sense of.

Horizon operates in liquid time, so simultaniously, while writiting this thread, he's in another thread with his mentor Wilderfrost. I tend to arrange the timeline later on, decide when the events of each thread occured relative to each other after teh fact, but might change to one thread at a time just to keep his timeline making sense. Anyway, there's a site event where the valley has been hit with a massive blizzard.

Wilderfrost was taking him to meet this pack where he was excited to possibly learn more about religion. He's heard of a god named Raven that he's been trying to understand, maybe see if it will cure his mental issues. That's when the bad weather hit. They duck into the cave where the pack is holed up and Azriel immediately feels like he shouldn't be there. His subconcious incorrectly reminding him he was kicked out of a pack and doesnt belong near one- when he is completely welcome in this location.

Poor boy is so tied in knots over everything, he's had no time to process what happened with him upon meeting Odile (the wounded girl), before finding himself in a new social situation. --I think somehow, my own off-mood has mixed with Azriel's grief and now I'm in a funk....or maybe I'm just hungry. And it would help if I put on some happier music.

Tuesday Ease 🌸

Every day starts with coffee, my journal, and a TO Do list. Tuesdays are usually the days when my work week really kicks off, starting with an 8am meeting and followed by any related tasks. On top of that, I've been gathering Continuing Education credits for my Security+ certification. So thsoe count as work tasks. Then, there's normally some housework related tasks to accomplish.

Yesterday was a lot of work and administrative work for personal stuff. Important adulting work that has to be done...parking passes, HSA stuff, work, housework. Blah- like I said, Admin stuff. Today was less that, more- here's an early meeing, here's some tasks, lock in some CE credits, get groceries, do dishes and laundry.And?

I am happy to report that I finished all of that! Work is done early today, I finished a Cisco course that earned me 6 credits, I turned in the stuff I need for another 7 credits, and sent a reminder for another thing that'll get me 9 credits. All that being done and I'll be able to get all my remaining credits turned in and have my Sec+ ready to go for another 3 years! Woo! We're on track to renew by October!

With that done, I also got groceries ordered and put away, wrote up some RP posts for Horizon, I get to update my blog. I might make some tea and do some journaling next. -Actually, time for some archaic laundry, drying clothes in the sun like the olden days haha- off I go~

Monday stress... 🌸

Gods above and below, where do I begin? Since my last blog post, I've had an amazing time with D as we celebrated our anniversary. A magical four days of music, games, rock climbing, passion and we topped it all off with a fancy meal. It was a dream and I miss him already.

Yesterday was spent catching up on Baldur's Gate 3. I was able to redo everything I did with the druid character I made before and finished Act 1 with a much higher Astarion approval! I also found a whole part of the map I had originally missed on the last playthrough so I did that. And now I'm back in the Underdark, ready to start exploring. -Gotta accept that I won't get to play as frequently as I hoped, but I'm relieved that I'm at least where I wanted to be last weekend. Better off even for having found the rest of the map!

Also yesterday, the ball jointed doll, Xana, arrived! I wasn't expecting her until the 17th! So I immediately dressed her up and set her in the dioramma with the guys. Can't wait till I have time to dress her up again in one of the other outfits I got for her, but that's gotta wait.-And, as an extra treat, I got to play some DnD with T and L last night after they got back from shopping for my birthday!! I was so happy!

If you saw the home page, you'll know today was wild. I meant to log into work today, complete a few work tasks, do some misc. administrative work, finish off with fun such as this blog and my rp posts, then step back into the real work and do some housework...well, fate had plans to complicate that.

Someday, I need to get a diagnosis for an anxiety disorder and a way to manage it, because when I tried to renew our parking passes- so we are allowed to park in our own apartment lot-there was a limit to one pass per person, when previously I had passes for both cars on my account. Customer service said I just needed to follow a few steps and I could renew. Instead, it led to me deleting L's pass by mistake and being completely barred from adding a second pass. This put their car in immediate danger of being towed. So, in full panic, shaking, crying, flipping out as if an axe murder had his weapon in my guts already-told L what happened. And? They simply bought their own parking pass. Problem solved.

It took time to come down from the panic spiral. -That's the thing about disorders. I know when my nervous system is overreacting but I can't stop how intense it feels. This wasn't as bad as the one I had over the Vetco experience, at least this time I wasn't hysterically screaming and hyperventalating....You don't understand. when the panic flares my body thinks it's very literally in severe, immenent danger and there's no reasoning myself down from that until the "threat" passes... it's exhausting.

Anyway, with the car passes secured, I finished my other admin work and started playing with the blog. Only to be further frustrated and upset going round and round with making just a simple toggle button for viewing affilites. Once I got that working, I needed a break- so I'm blogging. I still need to add the hearts toggle to all the other pages. And I had the idea for setting up a notification ping to show when there's a new blog post. Bust first, I have RP posts to write, a meeting to attend and a house to clean. Maybe later this week...

Trust, Control, and Immersive Roleplay 🌸

Forum-based roleplay is something I find extremely fun, and while I'm a veteran of this genre of game, I wanted to talk about how this rp I recently joined, Horizon, does some things differently. While I had some anxiety about several of its new-to-me rules, I was able to shrug off the discomfort in favor of having a fantastic time, and yet I have also watched a few players become so upset by them that they condemned the site and left permanently.

After carefully reading their grievances, I began to wonder whether the real conflict was the rules and the community, but more relistically about control. Horizon asks players to surrender a degree of control over their characters and stories in exchange for uncertainty, immersion, and organic collaborative storytelling. For some players, that trade is exciting. For others, it may be way too uncomfortable to actually enjoy.

First, let me explain what Horizon is and how it differs from the forum roleplaying games some players may be accustomed to. Horizon is a semi-realistic wolf roleplaying game set in the wilderness of the nineteenth-century North American West. Players create original wolf characters from a variety of approved subspecies. Those characters can explore the land, meet one another, play, hunt, form bonds, have pups, join packs, learn skills, and much more.

The setting allows a limited degree of unreality. Wolves may act as healers, for example, using herbs rather than magic to care for wounds. They are also permitted to have human-like thoughts, emotions, and opinions about the world around them. These allowances help create a rich roleplaying experience without abandoning the game’s semi-realistic foundation.

Horizon also includes systems I had never encountered in forum-based roleplay before. Characters can earn Skill Points, or SP, by completing threads and accomplishing certain things during play. Those points can contribute to statistics such as Strength, Knowledge, and Experience. I find this a genuinely fun addition because it gives long-term play a sense of progression- the site even has an aging system for characters!

Horizon also handles character acceptance differently from the forums I am used to. Traditionally, a player joins a forum, writes a complete character profile, and waits for staff approval before beginning to play. On Horizon, new players instead complete a simple form and provide a writing sample. Individual characters do not require staff approval nor do they need be fully fleshed out before entering the game.

I will admit that I was not accustomed to beginning play without first fully developing and formally submitting a character. Still, that was not the rule that made me most nervous...

The rules that initially concerned me were the restrictions against out-of-character plotting, the possibility of character discrimination, mistreatment, abuse, or even death without the player’s prior permission, and the use of dice to determine certain outcomes rather than leaving every result entirely to narrative choice- though the last is more lenient.

No out-of-character plotting means that players cannot arrange the outcome of a storyline in advance. They must enter the game, respond to what happens, and allow the story to develop organically. I am still not entirely sure how far this restriction extends. A player may presumably have hopes or private aspirations for a character, but they cannot coordinate every stage of that character’s arc with other writers beforehand.

This creates a style of play in which each moment feels immediate and improvised. It resembles the theatrical principle of “yes, and...” Players accept what has already happened and build upon it rather than steering the story toward a predetermined destination. That can be wonderfully immersive. It can also be unsettling.

Players cannot guarantee that a relationship will develop as expected, that a personal goal will be accomplished, or that another character will respond in the hoped-for way. Anyone who enters Horizon must be willing to pursue a story without knowing exactly what story they will ultimately receive.

The possibility of character death raises the stakes further. I initially hated the idea that another player might be able to approach my character and kill them without first obtaining my permission. However, both this rule and the restriction against plotting support the “realistic” portion of semi-realistic wolf roleplay. In life, we cannot plan every meeting, conflict, or consequence. We can take precautions and make choices, but we cannot completely control what happens around us.

In that sense, Horizon reminds me of tabletop roleplaying games such as Dungeons and Dragons. Players make choices, but they do not determine every outcome. Success and failure depend partly upon improvisation, chance, and the actions of other participants. Sometimes you simply have to hope that you do not fall to zero hit points-or that, if you do, you succeed on your death saves.

Dice can play a similar role on Horizon. They may determine, for example, whether a hunt succeeds. This removes some narrative control from the player, but it also prevents success from becoming automatic. The character must live with the result, and the player must decide how to turn that result into a story- which adds a fantastic element to how the game is experienced.

This led me to ask an important question: what prevents someone from joining Horizon and deliberately making the experience miserable for everyone else? If players cannot plan ahead, if another character can threaten, harm or even kill yours as they please, and you get no say, and if chance can ruin an attempted goal, what keeps the experience from becoming unfair or even downright hostile?

The inital answer I recieved was advice to simply take a break from the game if it got that bad- which wasn't the answer I wanted. It sounded like Horizon as saying they were allowed to harm and destroy your character in every way and you'd just have to be okay with that. That a completely hostile game experience was totally fine and a miserable story complete with unwanted abuse and murder that that crossed the line from not only an unwanted story, but extrended into player heartbreak and was expected, fine, and a normal part of play. Which would understandably cause intense anger from players who absolutely do not agree with that. But before fully making that conclusion, I dug a bit deeper and found that wasn't the case at all, the real answer is...well, trust.

In a tabletop game, one might call this “trusting the table.” On Horizon, players must trust the community. Each participant agrees to conduct themselves according to the rules and to approach the game with the shared goal of creating an engaging story. The purpose is not to sabotage someone else’s enjoyment. No one wants to lose a beloved character, and players must trust one another to understand that actions carrying serious consequences should serve the story rather than personal malice.If a character chooses to fight another, there's a real possibility of harm or death, just as in reality, the result can't be pre-scripted. I must trust that other players will not intentionally ruin my experience, just as they must trust me not to ruin theirs.

Trust does not mean that nobody will ever be disappointed. A hunt may fail. A friendship may collapse. A character may be injured, rejected, defeated, or even killed. The experience may take a direction the player never would have chosen in advance. Trust means believing that these developments arise from sincere play rather than an attempt to target, humiliate, or punish another writer. If something does cross that line, communication remains available, and players can speak to staff about conduct that feels malicious, unfair, or deliberately destructive.

I should note here that the advice to "Step away" if the game got too intense was coming from the idea that all particpants are mature adults who can talk about a situation. The advice was sent in good faith, and based on the idea that we were not talking about a character who was being mistreated so severely and so against the players wishes that the player was becoming hurt and feeling like Horizon was out to get them. Instead, from the more compassionate perspective that unhappy results are bound to happen, a story can take a sad turn and sometimes players have to take a break. -I am still hoping I don't get my feelings hurt by an unwanted character death, but we'll have to see.

This brings me to a broader question: what makes roleplay immersive? What draws a player deeply into a fictional world and makes the experience feel alive? One person might say it is the quality of the writing. Another might point to costumes and physical environments, as in live-action roleplay. Someone else may find immersion in carefully plotting an elaborate storyline down to its smallest detail. Horizon offers another answer: unpredictability.

Its world feels alive partly because it does not always bend to the player’s intentions. Other characters have their own desires. Risks can fail. Danger can have consequences. Stories emerge from the collision of multiple people’s choices rather than from a script agreed upon beforehand.

That style of play requires a particular willingness. A player must be able to care deeply about a character while accepting that the character’s future is not entirely theirs to command.

To conclude, Horizon is a friendly, active, and imaginative community of writers, artists, and storytellers. I am happy to count myself among them, and I am learning to take a few risks of my own. At the same time, I understand why its rules do not appeal to everyone. Horizon asks players to trust others not to misuse the freedom they are given. It also asks them to accept that undesirable events can occur even when nobody has acted maliciously.

That combination, trusting the community while surrendering some control over the story, may simply be incompatible with players who prefer carefully plotted character arcs, firm consent over major developments, or greater certainty about where their stories are heading.

That does not make those players bad roleplayers, nor does it make Horizon a bad game. It means they are seeking different forms of collaborative storytelling. Horizon will not suit players who want to create poor experiences for others. It may also be uncomfortable for players who do not enjoy uncertainty or who cannot feel safe without greater control over major character outcomes.

For me, however, the uncertainty is becoming part of the appeal. I wanted to reflect on why some players may dislike the way Horizon is run—and why those same qualities can make the game so immersive, engaging, and fun for those who embrace them. Feel free to check it out for yourself! The link is in the home page sidebar.

I wanna play more though... 🌸

So I spent all weekend playing BG3. I've never made it past the goblin camp, and never attempted to romance Astarion before. But for two glorious days I locked in and played hard. I got frustrated a great many times and had to fight my way through, reloading a million times and FIGHTING for every scrap of Astarion affection I could.But I beat Act I.

I tried to maek a self instert, so I made a druid wood elf. Gentle and good. And let me say, my gentle wood elf, and my natural way of roleplaying her was a terrible fot for Astarion. Despite taking two days to beat all of Act I, for the first time mind you- and only just starting the underdark portion to get to Act II...I chose to start over.

My go-to class in any rpg is a rouge, and going with anything else is fun, but ultimately a lerning curve. And I started imagining a rogue, immediately I know who she is, where she was born, how she was kidnapped onto the Nautiloid. And with her, I will have an easier time roleplaying the snark and zest needed to be compatible with Astarion. With the druid, having her act tough or intimidating was so out of character, but Astarion likes it. The rouge will act like that more naturally.

So I resolved to start over. While I could re-spec my druid and not lose her progress...I wanted to change her name, background, totally start over. So I skipped breakfast to jump on the game while L was still in bed. At lighening speed, I rushed through the prologue and started Act I. Snatched up Astarion and Shadowheart and Gale (yuck- gonna swap him for Lae'zel, then Karlach as soon as I can). And started the dungeon crawl over on the right side of the map. Temple of Jergal i think? Hoping to grab all the XP.

The idea was to skip all the cutscenes and speed run to beat Act I again. In what took me two days before, I wanted to try to do in 6 hours or less. Since I know what to do where to go, and how to do a lot. I was gonna rush...but...fate said otherwise.

With L being off today, they use that computer to draw on their days off. And compared to me, get significantly less downtime for leisure. And less time with the computer. So, benevolent as I am, I chose to relinquish the gaming PC for their wiles. I promised Horizon posts today anyway and always enjoy updating my blog. If I were playing BG3, I wouldn't do either one today. Besides, if work allows, I've got time to play tomorrow. The gaming PC is a shared thing, I can afford to wait to use it until they are at work.

In the meantime, I can use my laptop for RP, blogging and youtube. And hey, maybe I can game a little bit later. Set a timer or something so I don't get carried away. But if not, BG3 isn't going anywhere, Astarion isn't going anywhere. I'm just really excited to redo the game with this new girl. Allura, the high elf rouge. Orphaned to the streets after her noble family was killed by ruffians, she became an urchin. The nobility of her blood being lost to the grime on her face, the name of her Father's house, lost to time. But it wasn't all bad, when she made it to Baldur's gate, life as a thief became much easier. She could steal all she needed.

While she understands the need for grit, strength dog-eat-dog antics, she's also good hearted, knows right from wrong, and only does wrong to do right, if that makes sense. So heart of gold, trustworthy, loyal, spunky, but tough and witty. With a mouth that can get her in trouble...and catch the eye of a fellow rogue elf...

You see what I mean? I love her, she's gonna be besties with all the BG3 girls in camp, and totally fall for Astarion, and he fall for her more naturally than the gentle do-gooder druid.

Alas, it all must wait. There's a chance work will be very busy tomorrow and I won't get the chance to play until Wednesday. And D has half the week free, starting Wednesday to see me, so I'm excited to go see him- but maybe I can get some gaming in before I go! Again, setting a timer would be imperative to keeping that anywhere near manageable haha. 6 hours of play, starting as soon as I get up maybe? heh.... If I can just get back where I was, I'd be satisfied to stop for a few days.

I might think I wasted my weekend getting so far for the first time only to start over. But I learned a lot about the game and how to romance Astarion that I'm going to be starting with a better arsenal of knowledge, it wasn't a waste at all. I learned enough that I can blaze though and catch up in no time! Until then, dear Astarion- wait for me...

Whistful sigh

Adventure Awaits! 🌸

I write today's blog while waiting for Baldur's Gate 3 to finish installing on my computer. L Will be out of the house all day for work, and will be spending the night with our boyfriend T. I Got all the house chores done yesterday, so I'm free to play as I wish today. So I'm happy to give this another shot. I've never gotten past the goblin encampment, always getting the whole place aggro so I can't escape without fying. Getting myself totally locked in an unbeatable fight out. Not this time.

I've made characters to romance both Shadowheart and Karlach in the past, but I have decided that Shadowheart is too edgelord for my taste, even if you can save her from the cult later. And I Karlach doesn't have a happy enough ending for the Gith character I wanted to romance her with. That leaves Astarion. I initally found him pretencious. Too flambouyant and annoying, and that's coming from one who is a flambouyant gay myself. But I'll cut the poor man a break.

I usually make a character that's a tiefling or a gith, when my default is typically high elves. I think I may play a wood elf this time, and she will be my first. And AS close as I am to being a druid in real life, with my witchcraft and druidic ancestry dating back to 499AD in Tethbae Ireland, I always opt to be a wizard instead. Not this time, a wood elf druid who looks something like me will be the idea. And I'll have her romance the dear Astarion.

Wish me luck! Let's hope I don't get trapped int he goblin cave again. Maybe I can even beat act 1. I've never done that before, and playing all day should surely give me enough time to do that right...right?

Playtime! 🌸

Well, today's a day where I draw the line for myself. See, all this web stuff has been done in the effort to take a break from modern social media. Get back to an older time. Not while away the hours doom scrooling. But, I told myself it would be silly to try and go completely back in time and eliminate modern media all together. So I didn't delete tiktok, but rather tried to teach myself to enjoy in moderation. Like a mental count of 3 videos, then close the app. But the motivation to read, post, code, anything- kinda dried up for a couple of days, and whenever I had down time to engage in something...I laid down to scroll.

As an aside, I had a great time with T the night before last. He's really like a love interst from some kind of fantasy romance novel. He's beautiful! Standing there like Adonis in the flesh! I still sometimes can't believe he's in love with me.

And yesterday, I went shopping and spent a questionable amount on doll stuff for the arrival of my new BJD, Xana. I got her a travel kit of like a suitcase, boarding pass, ipod, cosmetics, travel pillow, and also some purses and makup complete with a vanaty set! I could do a whole scene where she "moves in" by putting her stuff in the vanity and "unpacks." That would be really fun.

Today I put together a playlist of old TV shows and movies complete with commercials from the 90s to the 2000s. First a 2 hour block of Disney channel, then some commercials, an episode of Baby Sitter's club from the 90s, more commercials, clips from Full House, commercials. Movies like Teen Witch and Drive Me Crazy, and even an old Toonami block! I'm gonna let it play in the background today while I blog and clean.

L was feeling sick, sad and tired yesterday, so I got them some gifts and helped cheer them up. So they got a good night's rest and woke up bright eyed and chipper today. The mood of a partner being up or down often can't be helped by a loving partner, sometimes, sad days are just sad days. You can be loving and supportive, but that won't always chase the rainclouds away, but it is a really good feeling when you can.

In between all the posting and old tv and house cleaning, I wanted to squeeze in some time for self care. A little yoga today, a shower later-gotta wash my hair. I'm washing my bedding right now- smells like dog -gross. Ugh. That's the thing, whenever I have animals, I fantasize about not having any, and when I have none, all I do is dream about wanting some. But the every day nasty that comes with living with animals...wish I could have my animals and also opt-out of that part. Remind me next time I find myself without pets that a tamogatchi would be less stinky and expensive. lol Don't get me wrong I love my animals, just not the chores that come with them.

On that note, laundry needs swapped and I gotta get started cleaning the house. Off I go!

Bouncing Back! 🌸

I don't want to spend too much time writing today, but happy to report that I'm feeling better! Not all sad anymore. Instead, I'm obsessed with Ball Jointed Dolls, not as invested as hardcore collectors, but I have a couple- literally, just two, and they're both boys. I've always wanted a girl, and I found one! Her name is Xana, and she's a re-cast, which is taboo filth if you ask anyone who's serious about BJDs, but I could care less. She's a beautiful birthday present to myself.

In the spirit of fun, I got her some clothes, and I'm very inspired to set up my diarama for them again, there's room. I had a whole little living room set for them, I'd love for Xana to come "home" to a couch and sit down. I gotta do a post for Horizon, but I really wanna be done here are go set up the diarama instead. Even though Xana won't be here for a month haha.

I used to create photo-comics of the dolls where a series of photos taken of the dolls in various poses would be used to tell a short story, and i'd edit it little speech bubbles. Maybe I'll start that up again and post the pictures here!

I was also thinking of replacing the current 2007 pixel dolls for my poly-web with piccrew images...if I can find a good one lol.

Sad days happen 🌸

I had an amazing weekend. Spent time with D. He took me shopping. I got to splurge on an expensive romper, it was so ridiculously cute, I had to have it. I got an expensive athletic jacket I've been wanting for a while too. I could have kept shopping there for hours. Shopping makes me so happy. But, downtime with him makes me happy too, so eventually, we found our way back. Lounging in his loft with video games on the screen, savoring the company.

When the time came for me to go home, I was a bit sorry to leave. I always am. And soon it was Sunday, RenFaire. I think the sadness began Saturday night, as suddenly, I found myself not wanting to go. In the end, I did go. L and I got there early, and I was in costume as a faerie. We walked, we shopped, we explored, and by the time D arrived with K and friends, L wanted to go. And sadly, so did I...It was lovely to get to see him, but I was sorry to go again.

To make Sunday even better, T came over after we got back, and played DnD with L and I, and I wanted pretty badly to go back with him to his place after- but we knew it would have been irresponsible. So I stayed home, feeling very loved and in love- but sad, as I fell asleep.

So this morning found me melancholy. I wrote in my journal, planned my day. I don't have much reason to feel down, maybe it's partner withdraw? Maybe it's a crash after having such a full weekend, I'm not sure. I could say I'm in good spirits over all I'm happy to be home and working on this blog, making my site pretty, posting on Horizon. Work isn't demanding the world of me today either. It's very calm, and there's good music and snacks.

One thing I've learned over the years is that sometimes ya just wake up and feel bummed, even if nothing is really wrong. And that's okay, those are the best days to take care of yourself, show yourself all the love you can. So I'm taking it easy. My knee is aggrivated after so mcuh walking, so I'm resting it. Indulging in cherries as a snack, and coding to my heart's content. If I'm sad, then like my own best friend, I can make myself as comfortable as possible until it passes. ♡

Healing, kindnes and anger. 🌸

I wanted to write something a little different today. Rather than ramble about the general goings-on of my life. Today, I wanted to write more like a think-piece about human behavior. Specifically an observation about how mean people are when talking about advocating for accessibility.

First, the anger. Anger is a normal human emotion. Feeling angry alone isn't an accurate indicator if someone is a bad person, or a good person. You could be genuinely a good person, and still get mad sometimes. The line between being good and being evil isn't anger, it's what that anger is used to do. If anger harms ones self or others, that's probably not a good thing most of the time.

Next, I think when it comes to people advocating for disability, the anger is usually coming from a place of hurt. People with disabilities are often treated unfairly both on an individual level and as a collective. And the anger felt there is real and well deserved. As is true for most marginalized groups.

But, let us think. If a genuinely good person wants to open a coffee shop, and another genuinely good person is a wheelchair user. And say that wheelchair user begins to harass, bully, slander and otherwise cause intentional harm to the coffee shop owner over accessibility- how does that look?

Many people on the internet don't have a good understanding of nuance. I have a theory as to why, but that's for another article. Fow now, let's say everyone likes to imagine a scenario in which all the variables are not known, they take what is known and go to the extreme. In the above scenario, you could take either side, and assume things about the other. "The coffee shop owner is ableist!"- Does the information given state that?- No, we know the person is "genuinely goo" and wants to open a shop. We don't know if accessibility is a priority, but we also don't know if it isn't.

We also know the disabled person is "genuinely good" but is being terrible, words like "harrassment" were used. The coffee shop owner doesn't even have a coffee shop yet! So why is the disabled person being so mean?- It's not necessarily meanness. It's misdirected anger. The anger is at the lack of accessibility in our society and it's being fired off on one coffee shop owner who has not yet indicated how they intend to built their shop.

In this coffee shop scenario, I watched things go from bad to worse when a pleasant suggestion like "Ooh! Don't foget to make it accessible! I use a wheelchair and would be sad if I couldn't visit your shop!"- A friendly, and helpful reminder, quickly devolved into a dogpile of comments with the general opinion of, "This coffee shop should be made only for disabled people. Make it only with disabled people in mind and only for the use of wheelchair and cane users. If you don't, you're evil!!"

They pushed it across the line from a coffee shop for all, into a coffee shop just for them. You could apply this to any marginalized group, is it a coffee shop for everyone? Or a coffee shop just for people of a certain race, sexuality, or gender? There is a difference. There's nothing wrong with being passionate about accessibility. It's important to advocate for it. But that's just it. Advocate. Not harass, bully and slander it into being.

Which brings me to something else I saw recently. A person was talking about their website. For every accessible feature they described, each one was paired with a nasty little stab at anyone who wasn't doign things the same way. Rather than say "This website is mobile friendly!" Which is informative and fine on it's own, they had to add, "Because any website that isn't mobile friendly is ableist and evil!"- And in another example, instead of "This website doesn't auto-play music," they had to add- "auto-playing music is evil because it hinders screen readers!"- I am prarphrasing. But why couldn't the intro simply describe website features without having to fire a shot at every other website?

It comes back to that anger. So let's talk about kindness and healing. One can be angry and kind, one can be angry and advocate for change. One can be angry and still a good person who doesn't harm other people, verbally or otherwise. I practice this every day in professional meetings at work, I can be absolutely fuming and still be kind and professional, while also allowing that anger to be processed in a safe and healthy way. Learning how to deal with anger in a healthy way is a ral skill that takes time to master, and I'll admit I'm not perfect with it either. The point is, personal growth. lLearning the right way to care for yourself, be angry, advocate for change, while also not being a holy terror yourself.

Think about it, is the coffee shop owner more or less likely to want to include accessibility in their coffee shop design, if the people asking for it are all acting like angry entitled jerks, calling them names and practically throwing bricks through the window before it's even built? Or if they seem like nice people who just want some coffee like everyone else? Now, granted, this is customer service. It's likely any customer of any kind will be up for throwing names and bricks. Still, it's the catching flies with honey, not vineager scenario.

So where does healng come in? It's very personal, and it takes work. Therapy was a big part of it for me, but I'm also a meta-thinker. I like to question why I think the way I think, and puzzle out what is wrong or right about that way of thinking. I measure action against thought and feeling to try and see if I'm doing things "right."- Being right or wrong is often subjective. So I set a personal standard of goodness that I try to uphold. Kindness, goodness, compassion, empathy. I try to offer each of these most of the time. But I also know where to withold those, and be mindful of when and how I show these. I have boundaries too.

In general, everyone gets kindness, compassion, and empathy from me. But some people get that revoked. And if we apply this to the coffee shop, I can care about th coffee shop owner who has a dream, and the wheelchair user who wants to see that dream up close. I can empathize with the wheelchair user's disappointment at possibly not getting to visit the new coffee shop, and the deep hurt that would cause. But I don't think it justifies the meannness.

In the case of the website, I can understand wanting to let everyone know your website is accessible. But it came with the unessessary vitrol, which lets everyone know you have an accessible website, but also that you're extremely hateful and angry.

So, anger? A valid emotion. Kindness? A learned skill. Healing? A necessary part of personal mental health. I don't see this anger going away until there is more accessibility. If accessibility were part of every day life, everywhere. If it was normal and a given, not something we needed to advocate for, then we wouldn't be angry. And coffee shop owners wouldn't be harassed before they laid the first brick down. Website owners wouldn't be screeching fire and brimstone at sites with different set ups. In the mean time, all we can do is let our anger advocate for change without hurting others and putting them down. In general of course, some people really are intentionally ableist, and that's not okay, but usually, we're all just good people trying to chase a dream.

I'll leave you with this. If you heal the hurt inside, you find that anger is hiding another emotion, hurt, sadness, a need for love or understanding. The goal is community, a better world for all of us. And I'd like to think a better world is made with kindness, inner healing, and healthy anger expressed in ways that build up something new, not break down good people. Let the anger make you advocate for change, not hurt people who don't deserve it.

Thanks for reading.

A long day comes to an end. 🌙

Work continues with it's shenanigans. Asking me to be the pitcher, the catcher, The person up to bat, and the referee all at once. But I'm awesome, so the best I can do is meticulouslly cross reference spreadsheet against spreadsheet, evidence against evidence and grab this project by the horns. I haven't said yet on this blog, but maybe I'll make the about me section have a little card with what I do. I'm a project manager, and getting things done step by step is my whole thing. It's an enourmous workload though.

I was good today though, I followed all my pomodoro breaks! My shoulders still hurt though. I really still did too much, and I didn't even finish. There's more to do tomorrow. Though I dunno how much I will get done.- After all, I have a partner to see!!

Plans were updated, I get to stay the night!! I'm so excited! And after the hard work I put in today, a happy start to the wekend was very well earned. Just gotta make it through two meetings in the morning, and then I'm off!! I might bring my laptop to his place to finish work- but don't worry. I'll either finish all my work and close the laptop early, or I'll close the laptop at 5. You won't catch me working over! I might work all day with no breaks, but I stop at 5 no matter what!

Dunno how much more site-work I'll get done, this weekend. I've got a boyfriend to kiss and an Renfaire to go to on Sunday. Fare thee well until then!!

OUCH!!! 🌸

(｡•́︿•̀｡)Well..turns out locking in for 8 hours for work with no breaks was a bad idea. I woke up this morning with intense pain! It was hard to sit, stand, move, turn, walk...I did myself in. So I took a hot bath, that helped a lot.

But work waits for no man, so there's more to do today...this time I'm going to listen to the pomodoro timer, and when it's time for a break-I'll take a freaking break! It's really not that hard to find my place again after stopping. So I'll do it. Today I took extra steps to take care of myself.

Every day, I do my makeup. It's an important part of helping me feel ready to face the day. So after my bath, I did that. I also didn't have any water yesterday, so as of the time of this blog post- I'm on glass number 4, be proud of me! Heh.I had breakfast too, a banana, yogurt, granola.

My Nesting Partner made yummy meals all last week, but it was time to but groceries again for this week. Given my workload and my pain flare today, I went ahead and ordered groceries through my phone. Thank goodness for some modern tech. I also took care of this chore I needed to do yesterday. I renewed my lease but got an automated email telling me I needed to buy a renter's insurance policy...when I already have one and I alrady gave it to the office. ( ╥ω╥ ) So I left a message, I want the office to confirm I don't have to do anything with that.

I haven't had lunch yet, I paused to write this blog entry first. I could be working right now...but if I'm gonna be stuck at the computer all day, I may as well take a moment for a little fun!

Speaking of fun, my hair is naturally pretty curly, and lately it's been so damaged that the curls just frizz out so horribly. But I got a haircut over the weekend, then did a hair mask on Monday. I just washed it normally today for the first time and it curled up beautifully! My hair is falling in ringlets without me having to even style it!- Happy hair means happy Rin!

On the trend of Good Things (tm), I also have Friday to look forward too. I get to see my other partner, We'll just call him D. -He's so beautiful, long hair to his tailbone, and those gorgeous half-korean genes of his make him the prettiest guy you've ever seen! I can't wait to see him. My favorite things to do with him are cuddle and watch YouTube, though I also like cuddling and watching him game.

I don't get to see him as often as two other partners I have. He's got his own nesting partner he lives with, and a very demanding job. His nesting partner likes to hang out with me too, but there's not much time for intimacy with a third person around. Without explaining the entire dynamic, let's just say group sex is usually not a wanted option for me. So just...no.

Anyway,maybe I'll explain the polycule on the About me page and update the dictionary with what Nesting Partner is. Then fold laundry, then set up the pomodoro and get back to work. I have a list cut out for me- oh, and I gotta eat lunch too. I got this! ദ്ദി◝ ⩊ ◜.ᐟ

Tuesday- My Monday 🌸

(─‿─) I start each day with candle light and writing in my Journal. Today was no different. But gods above and below, bright and early at 8am I attended a meeting at work that was a bit frustrating. It seems that nobody had a brain that operates outside of the meeting. So the meetings seem to be filled with a maddening game of catch up. Most of the meeting is spent figuring out whats going on. (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞

I guess that's a good reason to have the meeting. So everyone can figure out what the heck, but it would be nice if the meetings were spent making progress toward the goal, actively, instead of buzzing around in place going "wait, huh?" ೭੧(❛〜❛✿)੭೨

(´◕ ᵔ ◕`✿) I'm still thinking of all the cool stuff I can do with this blog I think a custom library showing what I'm reading/have read. Maybe a Roleplay log of what forums I'm playing on, and my characters- who they are, what they're doing.

I added a chat box, but I might move it to it's own page. So it's not as accessible. I also might make a splash/Intro page that doesn't just take us right into the site the way it is now. What I'm worried about is this being like typical social media where people can be cruel and hateful, "cancel" people. I don't want that. But if I don't allow any interaction, then I'm talking into a void, I'd like community but that's just it...Community. Obviously, I don't want people who aren't friendly being here at all. It's scary getting involved in here. (つ﹏⊂)

Perhaps it'll be less scary once I learn the culture of neocities pages. If I have control over building my own community, then there's a lot less to fear, rather than dropping into the pool with everyone as-is. So I've got to protect myself as I establish this space. But the real world calls too. We'll see how it unfolds.

I was thinking of looking around to link some affiliates. Maybe the RP sites I'm on. -I also used to run a small business doing reiki and tarot. I could add parts of this site to describe that, though I'm not sure about offering services anymore. It would be fun to at least talk about it. And Move the "About me" to it's own page too.

Sadly, it looks like work is shaping up to have a list for me today. So I might not get to do anything more on this site than this blog entry today. Feeling overwhelmed. Anxiety high, there's a lot to do. At least I'm earning this paycheck. I need to call my apartment's main office too- take care of clerical stuff. Sigh. I'm stressed out. But there's the thing..I dont have to be. So...deep breaths, get some breakfast, a cup of coffee. Everything's gonna be okay...Reeee!

(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )

Welcome to My Blog! 🌸

This is my very first blog entry! I am currently learning how to build my own website and slowly making this little corner of the internet feel like home.

I plan to write about roleplay, books, creativity, daily life, nostalgia, and whatever else happens to be living in my head.